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Kav's Sticky Problems!
Hoorah-da-daa, it's holiday
time. But even fun in the sun has its pitfalls, oh
yes! We asked Kavana how he
would deal with some tricky situations (should
they happen, obv!)
You've been seeing a girl for a few weeks but now you're off on a
lads' holiday. Are you still after a bit of holiday
romance?
Not a serious holiday romance, but I'd be up for a few snogulations
here and there! But if I was really in love with a girl she'd
be coming along in the first place! Next question please!
OK, so there are student nurses staying in the apartment next to
yours. Do you watch them getting changed through
the window?
Of course! If there was a risk of being caught perhaps I'd just have
a little peek. Why not, eh? What would I do if I was
caught? Deny it, obviously!
Right, you're having an evening skinny-deep sesh when some midnight
revellers spill on to the beach. How do you
make a discreet exit?
Oh no! (thinks) I'd have to come out of the water like Adonis and all
the girls would swoon and go, 'Who is this creature from
the sea?!' and I'd just casually stroll towards my towel. Once they've
seen it, they've seem it!
The girl you've shared the sun and sangria with on the beach asks
for your phone number back home. Do you
scribble it on the nearest napkin?
No, I'd make her give me her number instead. Then I keep it, wait 'til
I've had a few shandy boozes and phone her up at three
in the morning slurring, 'Oh yeah, I really miss ya!'
Oh, the shame! A trendy Ibiza nightclub won't let you in. Do you
use your fame to gain entrance?
I hate doing that cos if they don't recognize me it won't matter if
I tell them who I am. I might say, 'I hope you don't mind, but
I'm getting a bit of hassle out here, I want to come in for some peace.'
Then I'd say, 'My name's Kavana, I've had two Top 10
hits: I Can Make You Feel Good and MFEO. Let me in now', ha ha!
Blub. It's your last night away and your mate wants an action-packed
evening. Your holiday girlie has other ideas.
Who do you choose?
(Immediately) Obviously the girl. We'd have things to, er, discuss
all night. Hopefully if I'd been out with my mate earlier in the
week he'd have copped off with someone anyway.
Being a clever type you can read French and notice your friend has
ordered snails from the menu without realizing.
Do you let on?
(V evil laugh) Oh no, I'd let him enjoy it. He'd deserve that much,
but I'd tell him just after the last mouthful
and watch him go green!
You've just seen a waitress pick a wasp out of Mrs McPhee from Bolton's
soup. Do you tell her?
Tell her? I'd say I'd just seen a hedgehog doing the backstroke in
it. I'd like to think someone would do the same for me.
The Lilt man pops off to the loo. Do you fight the totally tropical
urge to nick his crate of cans?
Is he far away? Yes? Of course I'd nick it! There's nothing worse than
being thirsty on the beach. Have I ever nicked anything?
Only once - a rubber from Asda - but I felt so guilty I went to confession.
You bump into a child and knock a Cornetto from his hand. Do you
own up?
I'd say, 'Oh, silly little boy, dropping your ice cream,' and sneak
off. On the plane back from Australia there was a baby
screaming the whole way. When I walked past it in customs I nipped
it's leg. It sreamed then alright, but it made me feel good!
A hotel owner charges you for a week instead of a fortnight. What
do you do?
I'd pretend I was in a really big rush and act daft when they found
out their mistake. I'd say, 'Ooh, I had no idea! I was running
for me taxi!' Heh heh!
© TOTP 1997 UK